Princess of the Internet’s Favourite Alternative Facts

Fact: I have barbeques with George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matthew McConaughey every Thursday evening in July and August. Period. We rotate hosting duties. My favourite host is probably George for the ample tequila, although I do enjoy Matthew’s homemade BBQ sauce. Brad is always a bit serious and his food is a little too on the healthy side. But we still let him participate, we just talk about him behind his back.

 Young POTI ain't afraid of no facts. (Honestly, this photo isn't relevant, but it IS funny.)

Young POTI ain't afraid of no facts. (Honestly, this photo isn't relevant, but it IS funny.)

Fact: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is coming back for a four-hour Netflix miniseries. The core cast is returning. Not Riley though, he was annoying. Period.

Fact: The All-Nacho-Diet is endorsed by Goop. Period.

Fact: I can train for a full marathon and still stay out late on Friday and Saturday nights, drinking too much red wine and eating pizza. Period.

Fact: My YA novel-in-progress – Lifeguards Zinc or Swim – is being made into a TV series for the CW. Period.

Fact: Twitter trolls can easily be tamed with kind, gentle rebuttals, logic and research. Period.

Fact: All the clothes I covet fit me perfectly, are on sale and can function as both business attire and going-out wear. Period.

Fact: I have access to freshly-made corn tortillas every day. Period.

Fact: I never have to ask wait staff for hot sauce, it’s just on the table already or automatically appears with my order. Period.

Fact: I have never broken my dresser drawers because I overstuffed them with random, mismatched socks. Period.

Fact: Nobody I’m friends with on Facebook says “blessed” un-ironically. Period.

Fact: Sensible people everywhere understand climate change is a real thing and that we should probably … you know … do things about it and stuff like that. Period.

Fact: My dog loves my cat and doesn’t spend each evening staring at me mournfully as if to say “but we were so happy before him, why?”. Period.

Fact: Everyone understands that a lobster roll should never ever be served on a croissant. A lobster roll comes in a split hotdog bun. Period.

Fact: Speakers and writers of English agree to abolish the word “utilize” from the language, agreeing “use” is perfectly acceptable. Period.

Fact: Tom Hiddleston never wore a tank top with "I Heart T.S." on it. Period.

 

*thanks to Casey who told me to write this because I had no ideas this week