Holding Out for a Heroine

And she's gotta be strong. 

And it's gotta be soon.

And she's gotta be larger than life!

 BY adding this photo I am not suggesting I am, in fact, the heroine in question, this photo just amuses me and makes me remember my cat, Oz.

BY adding this photo I am not suggesting I am, in fact, the heroine in question, this photo just amuses me and makes me remember my cat, Oz.

Sur-reality beats down our door and, for obvious reasons I don’t have to explain, many of us are biting our nails, gnashing our teeth, wondering what the future brings.

What we need is a heroine. Not a hero, they’ve had their turn and yet HERE WE ARE IN THIS MESS. Maybe she’ll come to us in a pantsuit, maybe she’ll wear jeans, the outfit is unimportant.

The more surreal this whole sur-reality becomes, the more we talk about pee pee tapes, the more the unthinkable becomes the norm, the more I like to think about who’s right for the job. And so I turned my mind to pop culture, because that seemed to make sense.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Yes, she’d do. With a knack for sniffing out baddies and the fearless ability to stake evil straight in the heart, she’d show the dark side who’s boss. Hell, she’s already lived on the Hellmouth so she definitely knows the geography. Plus, she’s quick with the quips, which means she’d be able to take on the worst of us in 140 characters or less NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

Veronica Mars

Teen detective,  hero of the computer nerds, the bullied, the forgotten, the edges of society. Quick to unravel a mystery, brave enough to dig deep into corruption. She’s up for the task. Plus, one of her besties is a hacking genius, which means she just might be able to take on that whole Russia-likes-to-hack issue. Plus, she’s also quick with the quips.

Lorelai Gilmore

Possessing no supernatural powers or detective credentials, Lorelai is a contender for a few reasons. The first is her power of speech. With an unparalleled ability to spew witty, pop-culture laden bon mots, Lorelai could run circles around a contender during a debate. Then there’s her daughter, Rory. Rory fancies herself an investigative journalist, which means she could help Lorelai uncover real stories, the real truth and bust those troublemakers. On top of all that, Lorelai’s family money and influence mean she’d be able to get into the right rooms with the right people.

Anne of Green Gables

I don’t know. I felt like we needed a Canadian. Because she … has a fiery temper? Is smart? Can win over the gruffest of townspeople with her guileless charm? Let’s move on.

Katniss Everdeen

This would be the route we’d go if things got really dire. With her ability to rally the crowds and her fierce sense of loyalty, combined with her bravery and physical prowess, she’d be good in a jam. Let’s hope we don’t get to Katniss-needing-territory.

The OA

Guys. She can open portals to other dimensions. We might all need to follower her lead.

Hermione Granger

Good with a spell, great with the books, Hermione’s smarts, magical abilities AND strong moral compass could really come in handy.

Moana

Relevant, brave, an evolver-of-the-Princess cliché, Moana can also hold her own on the open ocean, which will probably come in handy when certain idiots continue to deny climate change and the waters rise and there are floods ETCETERA.

Or, you know, maybe a lot of regular women (and men) could just combine the best aspects of all those heroines by joining forces and supporting one another, by protecting those getting trolled, by embracing a sense of humour, by being brave, by standing up to bullies, by creating room for alternate opinions instead of just shouting overtop of them and by learning how to fight vampires. Because one thing about the state of the world I just can't stomach: all the damn vampires.