Why You Should Invite Me to the Oscars, Academy

Guess what? Ladies know how to think! This breaking news is resulting in demands for reporters dispatching from red carpets to #AskHerMore than "who are you wearing?". Some female celebrities, determined to raise the level of discourse, are also avoiding that whole "mani-cam" nightmare trend that sees female stars urged to shove their hands into this weird little close-up camera to show off their nails and rings and such. The world demands something interesting! The people want to hear from the - gasp - women!

 I think these sequins are Oscar-appropriate. Mo gives them two paws up.

I think these sequins are Oscar-appropriate. Mo gives them two paws up.

With this in mind, I would like to respectfully suggest the Academy invite me to this year's main event. Here are some of the potential questions I have prepared. As you can see, my questions are designed to provide thoughtful and interesting responses. My fee will be utterly reasonable and my clothing and beauty allowance will not be astronomical.

Reese Witherspoon

Q. Reese you co-starred with Sarah Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions. If you two were to pair up in a film now, would you rather it be Elle Woods vs Buffy the Vampire Slayer or a mash-up of your thriller Fear and her teen slasher I Know What You Did Last Summer? 

Q. You're nominated for your work in Wild, which sees your character set off on an arduous hike to deal with her grief. In your own life, what coping mechanisms have you used to help you deal with sadness, frustration and disappointments?

Q. If someone was to grant you either the power to 1. produce 30 successful movies featuring strong, layered female characters, that would win Oscars, but you couldn't star in any of them or 2. star in 30 successful movies featuring strong, layered female characters, but in exchange your 10 roles afterwards would cast you as the ditzy, underwritten girlfriend/wife of the leading man, what option would you pick?

Q. Was Ryan Phillippe as much of a jerk as he seems? (Just kidding, I'd only think that question. I wouldn't say it out loud.)

Rosamund Pike

Q. I've read you fell in love at Stonehenge. What is your theory of the history of Stonehenge? Who put it there and for what?

Q. Your character in Gone Girl deals with the fact her parents have fictionalized her life in a series of books called Amazing Amy. What work of fiction do you think most closely resembles your life right now?

Q. What film do you wish Hollywood would remake and what role would you want?

Q. You worked closely with Ben Affleck in Gone Girl. So ... do you know if he and Matt are friends in real life or is that whole Good Will Hunting era totally over? (Just kidding, I'd only think that question. I wouldn't say it out loud.)

Julianne Moore

Q. In Still Alice you play a woman struggling with Alzheimer's. Thinking about Alice's struggle to hold on to her memories, what is the one memory you personally cherish above all others?

Q. Alec Baldwin plays your partner in Still Alice and he played your hilarious lover in 30 Rock. Which version of Alec would you rather be with in real life?

Q. You appeared in Benny & Joon with Johnny Depp in 1993. Do you still keep in touch? If so, could you tell him to stop making crappy movies? (Just kidding, I'd only think that question. I wouldn't say it out loud.)

Q. You've worked with some pretty dark material. What do you do on set to stop from being sad and gloomy? 

Patricia Arquette

Q. Boyhood sees you playing a single mother - an experience you're familiar with in your own life. What is the biggest difference between your character's parenting style and your own parenting style?

Q. You're returning to television in CSI: Cyber. What do you get from working in TV that you don't get from working in film?

Q. I super duper love True Romance. Do you ever think about your character? What do you think happened to her?

Q. You were married to Nicolas Cage. Is he as crazy as he seems? Cause he seems pretty crazy. (Just kidding, I'd only think that question. I wouldn't say it out loud.)

Thank you for your consideration, Academy. Should you wish to retain my services for the Oscars this year, you can connect with me via Twitter: @somethingwitty. Also, if you hear Michael Fassbender needs a date for the event, I would be happy to oblige.