The Best Oscar Beauty Prep Guide You'll Ever Read

After months of anticipation the Academy Awards are finally here. Like many, I have a carefully curated beauty and relaxation ritual I follow the day of the big show. While some might shield their age-defying secrets from the public, desiring to keep the info all to themselves, I'm happy to share my knowledge with the world. You're welcome. 

1. Get up early with your dog. Is it raining? Awesome. He needs to pee. Putting bare feed in winter boots to take him outside builds character. Turn your cheeks toward the sky to ensure the freezing rain hits them with some degree of force. The cold water will refresh your skin cells and give you a rosy glow on the red carpet.

2. Think about all the reasons why you should not have to go to the gym today even though part of you knows you should. Make a list. Time yourself. You should be able to come up with 10 reasons in one minute. This is good practice for your acceptance speech when you'll need to make a list of all the people you need to thank in 60 seconds or less.

3. Spend 20 to 30 minutes looking at hairstyles on Pinterest and asking your partner "do you think this would look good on me?". Does he seem uninterested? Keep pressing. This is important. Without the right style how will you connect with Ryan Seacrest on a spiritual level? Answer: you won't. 

4. Re-watch The Mindy Project Season 1 on Netflix again. It's funny. A good laugh will help make your eyes sparkle for the paparazzi. (And yes, you're right, you and Mindy would TOTALLY be friends in real life. You can totally know that just from looking at her Instagram account. She likes to eat, like you!)

5. Undergo a second round of freezing rain skin treatment. This time, extend the length of your stay outside. Your feet should get wet in their boots as you walk through the slush. This is good. It'll shrink them, making it easier to fit into your heels.

6. Have a high-protein snack that'll amp up your energy, but won't bloat your belly. I enjoy a boiled egg on a corn tortilla sprinkled with hot sauce. That's partly because those are the ingredients I always have on hand and partly because I have no other ingredients on hand. 

7. Shame your closet. You're right, all of your clothes are conspiring against you. Pull them all off their hangers. Yell at them. Threaten to give them all away. Contemplate a last-minute wardrobe change, wonder if there's time to go shopping, eventually decide to just stick with original outfit.

8. Shave your legs with an old, disposable razor. If things get a bit rough, no problem, texture is in this year.

9. Realize the egg and tortilla did not fill you up. Feed yourself cheese and crackers over the sink so you don't get any crumbs on you. Crumbs are not glamorous.

10. Order your Uber, go to event, talk to Seacrest about your hair, try to catch Clooney's eye to see if he's still into you and to understand whether or not his marriage is a sham (you think yes), laugh politely at host jokes, talk to McConaughey during the commercial breaks and try not to roll your eyes at how pretentious he's become (are you the only one who remembers Failure to Launch?), muscle in on Ellen's selfie (why is she even here this year?), go to after party, go home early (you do, after all, have a freezing rain skin treatment in the morning).