The Best Parenting Tips From The Childless

Child Raising Advice from the Princess of the Internet

So, you're having a baby. Congratulations! You're apparently about to enter into one of the most rewarding experiences anyone will ever have, according to people on Facebook who have kids.

There are lots of parenting advice manuals out there, so why listen to this one? Well, a friend recently said to me: "Yeah, well why don't you write a parenting book AHAHAHAHAHAHAH" and I'm pretty sure he was not kidding. So, as a special gift to him, I've crafted this very sound advice.

1. Cake for Breakfast

Sugar gives children the kind of energy they need to do stuff. Need to do stuff and not carry your child around? Consider a slice of cake for breakfast. Chocolate is probably best. If he or she still seems sluggish, consider two slices. Please make sure the cake you provide has ample frosting. (Just kidding. This is a terrible idea, according to people who have children.)

2. Keep an Eye on Your Child All the Time

Sometimes, when people ask me if I have children, I say "No, but I have a dog". Listen - I know a baby is not a dog. I mean, I'm not going to leave a baby at home alone with only a bunch of peanut butter in a kong for a Babysitter. Neither should you. Look after your baby all the time. 

3. Make a Big Deal of Your Baby Walking for The First Time (even though it's pretty much expected)

As a grown-up, nobody claps when you do something for the first time such as eating sushi. Don't let this fool you. You MUST make a big deal when your baby does something for the first time like laughing, using the toilet or walking. 

4. Know that Your Baby is Obviously the Best Baby, But Keep it Quiet

Yes, obviously your baby is gifted and quite possibly a budding genius. Also, the cutest, obvs. But that kid down the road? Maybe not. The best thing to do is keep the fact that your child is a genius relatively quiet. That way other feelings will not get hurt.

5. If You Have More than One Child, Do Not Pick Favourites

... Or, if you do pick favourites, just keep it to yourself.

You're welcome. Should my advice prove popular enough, I will provide you with new parenting tips, which are sure to be very helpful.